Dreaming of Reality

That night I woke up, feeling like in a dream. But it was the worst nightmare I had ever been in. I swear I had never felt such a deep loneliness before. But I was trapped in my inner night, and I couldn’t wake up.

My computer was on. I had left my chat windows open, and I could see from my bed that he was online. Some minutes, or maybe hours ago (I didn’t know for sure what time it was), he had told me the name of his favorite song. I could have guessed it, anyway. “Like in a swirl, our kisses are mixed with our absences”, said the lyrics. “Pretty descriptive of our relationship”, I thought. Just that in our case, the absences were by far, more than the kisses.

I was frozen, sitting on my bed, thinking what I should do. Before I fell asleep, seeing him online was the only thing that I wanted in the world. Deep inside I knew how many times I had begged to have the chance to talk to him. However, when my wish had finally come true, all I wanted was to disappear.

I hesitated for a minute, and when I looked again, he was still there. He hadn’t talked to me. Not yet. I didn’t know if he would do it, anyway. Somewhere in my heart I had the hope that he would.

I thought that maybe sending him the song lyrics would be a good start for the conversation, but the next second I became so scared about the idea that he may find out how much I loved him, that I signed out. All the time I tried too hard to hide it, and maybe it was pointless, because he probably knew.

Even if we had wanted it, nothing could have happened at that time. Neither of us was ready for it. If we had been ready, he would have talked to me while I kept staring at his name on the screen. I could see my reflection there. Was it really a screen?

Then, the thought of the future without him blinded me, and when my eyes opened again, they were facing his name on the mirror, written with my red Chanel lipstick.